Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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