I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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