I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
