can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
