I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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