see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
