The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
