Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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