Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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