I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
