Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
