Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
