Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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