i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
