I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
