god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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