I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
