So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
