i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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