What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
