you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
