I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
