I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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