Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
