im drinking this country out of the recession.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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