chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
