he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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