I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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