I think my fart just growled at me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
