Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
