I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I love having hate sex.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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