My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
