Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
