She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
