Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Two words: blizzard sex
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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