I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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