I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
