When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
