OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
ttyl tear gas
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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