how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Randomize
