I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
