hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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