we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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