yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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