You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
