No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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