i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
