Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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