saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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