as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
