I queefed so loud it echoed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
