Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
