I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
