Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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