sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
