im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
