I skipped work to stalk him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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