Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
