Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
