Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize