I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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