Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
