She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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