She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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