I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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