Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
barbara walters just said penis...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize