Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I want to fling myself into the sun
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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