Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
