Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize