Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
