i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
