dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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