Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
