you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
